The link below will take you to a great blogpost by a man named Rick Hansen. From his biography on his website: “I am a neuropsychologist and have written and taught about the essential inner skills of personal well-being, psychological growth, and contemplative practice – as well as about relationships, family life, and raising children.”
You can sign up to receive his newsletter and read his books: Buddha’s Brain and Just One Thing. I think he is totally onto something big and incredibly valuable in his blending of neuroscience, psychology and meditative and mindfulness practices.
I wrote and published a post back in August but published it privately, until tonight,(check the August posts if you’d like to read it) as I wasn’t quite ready for whatever consequences might result, depending, I guess, on whom might stumble upon my blog. But things are changing both inside of me and externally ….Some things are accelerating, like the crumbling of the last bits of patience I’ve had with my circumstances….Other things, like my education, are marching along but only as quickly as the college calendar allows…Besides my course load is twice as heavy this quarter as last and so between my responsibilities as a student and those I have as a parent I don’t think I could manage my schooling going any faster.
Still, more and more, I’m feeling the need for a long overdue change in this situation with my “spouse”(on paper), the father of my child. It’s time for my daughter( and her mother) to see her mother(herself) standing up for, taking care of, being for…. herself. I no longer have the patience to wait for his job situation and our financial circumstances to improve. So I’m revving myself up for a conversation with him. The “divorce” word got yelled out during an argument last week, by me, but I’ve yet to return to the subject, this time, under calmer circumstances.
My truly significant, though long distance, other, who knows all about my circumstances and whose patience is doubtless wearing thinner even faster than my own, but who continues to be emotionally supportive and encouraging, shared an observation with me today as I was attempting to pump myself up for this talk. She observed that there’s this shift that needs to happen inside of me….one that may be starting, but is moving seemingly slowly as yet. As she sees it(and I can definitely see it too) this shift will be from a place inside where I still care and worry over what my “spouse” will think and how he might react to me stating that it’s time to talk separation and divorce, to a liberated place inside of me where I no longer give a crap what he thinks or how he reacts.
Yes indeed! I have a friend, whom oft times when I mention feeling “trapped” in my situation, reminds me of how I should be grateful for not being in this thing by myself….which maybe I should, but I realized tonite that that whole line of thought is beside the point. Tonite I realized that the “trap” I find myself in is inside my own mind and heart not outside in the marriage. Because as my LDSO pointed out, once that shift happens or I make the shift, I won’t be trapped anymore. She didn’t actually use the word “trapped”…that’s my term, but same diff…Not caring what he thinks or says or throws at me(emotionally speaking) will mean I’m no longer trapped in his idea of how things are supposed to proceed for our family. I was counseled earlier this week by a much younger woman, who was at one time in worse circumstances than am I, because I suspect that they were physically abusive circumstances, that if I can stick it out with the marriage until I get my schooling, rather than add some minimum wage job on top of my school and parenting responsibilities, that it would probably be better. But, as I realized tonite, she was in her early thirties four years ago when she left her situation and I am early fifties now. She had/has time and youth on her side just a bit more than I do…
As I stated earlier I don’t have the patience or the energy or the time to waste on continuing to slog through this thing, at the very least without the benefit of a conversation that states for all of us, under this roof, what things are and what they are not. Time to stop worrying about and trying to take care of everyone else’s feelings and start taking care of me and mine. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not forgetting my daughter in all of this. But as I stated above…it’s time for her to see her mother standing up for, liberating and taking care of, herself…..That is something I never got the chance to see my mother do as she stayed loyal to her cheating husband(my father) and then by the time he left, was too sick and, in fact, dying, to have a second chance at her life.
It’s time to open the door and let myself out of my cage…So if, after this very long post, you are still tuned in..stay that way because there will be more to come. 😉
So I’ve been pretty bogged down with school and life as of late and definitely not felt inspired to write or, even, for those of you whose blogs I follow, read. I’ll catch up with those missed posts of all of yours soon.
So finally today, on a much needed morning walk, when I wasn’t even thinking about something to write, this little chant song prayer thing partly came to me and was partly made up by me. Guess you could call it a collaboration with the Mystery…
May Peace be with me, be with you…always
May Compassion be with me, be with you….always
May Wisdom be with me, be with you….always
And may Clarity be with me, be with you…always
And may Beauty, always beauty be with you, be with us…
May Beauty, always….always…
May strength be with me be with us always
And may courage be with me and with us….always
And may Love be with me be with us always…
May love wrap around us flow through us, always…
And may love hold us up, keep us safe, make us free….
Always, always, always……
A little tune came along too, which I will not share. But if you like this or it inspires you to make up your own…..
then very, very cool.
Namaste and have a good day! 😉
Obviously you have to have a “netflix watch instantly” subscription or you have to rent or buy it somewhere….I’m not proud to say that I put off watching this movie because of the title…don’t know what I expected, something trite, perhaps? But what I discovered when watching this was anything but. A really beautiful movie. As a reviewer at the netflix site stated be sure to watch the movie thru to the credits for a most wonderful and graceful exclamation point at the end of the story.
Just read this article. Makes perfect sense….Now for the implementation.
I had my Sweet Pea, pictured below, put to sleep this past summer. He’d turned 18 at the beginning of July, but not long past his birthday got super sick and deteriorated quickly. I took some pictures of him in his last days. The one below is not one of those pictures. It’s one I found on my phone the other day and is from a time back when he had a bit of a bag of extra flesh hanging down from his tummy.
Seeing this picture, the contrast between who he’d been, in body, and who he shrunk to was painfully striking. The people at the vets office were so very kind to us both when I brought him in. Though I daresay I think some of the ployees might have been a bit appalled at just how much I let him waste away before finally deciding to let him go. I kept thinking about his quality of life…did he still have some, any? I don’t think he did for what seemed like a long time, though, in fact it was probably just a matter of a couple of weeks. My daughter’s father(husband on paper) felt like he should be allowed to die at home naturally. I tried to let that happen. I wanted that for him. But when it was all said and done, what Sweet Pea probably wanted(my best guess) and what I could give him were two different things. So though I tried, after several days of taking him to his litter box and feeding him first any kind of canned food I could interest him in, then jars of baby food and then, finally, the same thing I’d fed him from a bottle as a 2 1/2 week old unweaned kitten, KMR(kitten milk replacer), I knew it was time.
I guess that’s how I did know because he’d come full circle with his life, from a kitten who’d drunk KMR from a bottle, wrapped in a towel, to a shell of a cat, lapping only tablespoon fulls at a time from a saucer. It was time to help him move on. He’d been an indoor cat his whole life(something I’m not sure I’ll ever do again if I have a cat again) but he’d mostly always had an adventurous spirit(I’ll share a couple of those adventures another time) and liked to go outside. So one nite, a couple of days before I took him to the vet, in the wee small hours of the morning, hoping he’d just lay down in my lap and go to sleep for good, I took him out into the backyard. Even then, as weak and unsteady as he was, he didn’t want to lay in my lap. He wanted to get down and explore a bit. So I allowed him to but watched him closely because I was pretty sure that there were, hiding someplace, possums or raccoons and I didn’t want a confrontation as he surely would not stand any chance at all. So I followed him around and after a few minutes he found his way to a gate that led into another part of the yard where there is a shed, that’s been dug out underneath by animals, with cedar trees surrounding and towering above it. He wanted to go into that area and I suspect it was to find a spot to crawl off into and lay down for good. But somehow I didn’t think it would end up that peacefully, with my suspicion that previously mentioned animals were likely hiding someplace close by. So I eventually took him inside and returned him to the quietest and coolest space he’d been able to locate, my shower.
That was the wee small hours of Sunday morning. Monday I took him to the vet. I honestly think he was just too tired to be stressed by the whole thing and as I mentioned, he’d always been a bit of an adventurer and most certainly a go with the flow kind of kitty…at least that’s what he evolved into over the years. So for his last moments here on earth I held him wrapped in a towel cuddled against me one last time. He went quickly when the injections were given. I guess that if he had to be someplace besides his home he was in a good place…one full of people who really loved animals and knew him by name.
As a wee wee kitten he’d kind of been my dryrun for one day taking care of a baby(my now 14yo) around the clock. He grew into a sweet, beautiful but timid, and eventually, adventurous cat. I miss him.