So my, far too far away, long distance love has had one hell of a week, and I do believe that is putting it mildly. A week ago earlier tonite(for it is still Friday where I am) my beloved learned that a very, very, very dear friend, a woman who has been like a sister(in that close, on the same page, kindred spirits, kind of way) for 20 years, had died very unexpectedly. Out of respect for her privacy and that of her friend and her friend’s family, I will not go into detail. Suffice it to say that this loss has broken my love’s heart and the hearts of many who knew and loved their friend, sister, aunt, daughter… It has now only been a week since her passing, though for my love and the many others who loved(and still love) their friend dearly, it must feel like a lifetime has passed from last Friday to this…as indeed it has.
For my part I’ve been going through my own changes, ones I’ve yet to share in my blog….though a previous post foreshadowed big changes in the year 2013….(I’ll provide an update on them in another post.) So, I’m going through my own life challenges, which really pale when seen in the light of another’s precious life gone from this world; but they are what makes up my life these days, as is also my caring and concern for my S.O as she travels through this very difficult time. I offered to find a way to come and be with her, but she told me that it wasn’t necessary…So I stayed here and have done my best to support her emotionally from across the country, through phone calls, voicemails, text messages, a cyber sympathy card…etc., while slogging through my own personal stuff. I’ve felt , very, very sad for her loss and for my loss of the opportunity to ever get to know her friend. I’ve felt concerned to the point of being quite worried about my beloved; helpless and frustrated.
So here I am and there she is….not together in the same region of the country, let alone the same state, city or residence. (and me still “married”, but not for much longer) From where I sit her week (and life, more and more as of late) has been, along with the grief at her huge loss, about connecting with people, about realizing the wealth of connections she has. Then, just this morning and again tonite, a week to the day that her friend died, she received even further important reassurance, from a most unexpected source…Again I will not go into detail…but out of the pain and heartache there looks to be some very wonderful beginnings of new, and a strengthening and deepening of already existing, connections for her.
I, on the other hand, have received my own messages regarding what some of my current life lessons are….They are, in some ways and these are the ones I will focus on here, very different from hers. I’ve been “married” for going on 15 years and during that time have given a whole hell of a lot of power away to my “husband”. I’ve become dependent on this family unit, as dysfunctional and unsatisfying as it is, at least in terms of the relationship with my (getting closer to being ex) husband…dependent to the point of having little to no confidence in my ability to support myself financially, let alone my daughter. Tonite though, I got a message of my own….though it came in a form quite different from S. O.’s…it is one that demands I pay attention.
My message came from my intuition…via my Tarot cards. I have a beautiful deck that I use and a great book called “A Magical Course in Tarot”. The author doesn’t believe in reverse cards and her descriptions of each of the cards in the deck are so positive and encouraging…two things I cannot get too much of. The way I use them is to shuffle, shuffle shuffle and see what cards, despite my best efforts at graceful shuffling, fall gracelessly from my hands. These are the cards I look at and get my guidance and/or clarification from. It was absolutely uncanny the cards that fell from my hand tonite. I do not have the patience to go over each of them but I will say that the cards that wanted to be read contained both much needed admonishments as to how I was, in the very moments immediately preceding my getting the deck out, tying myself up in mental knots which could end up in me unwittingly sabotaging myself. Less difficult to hear were the reminders to look at and recognize my strengths and gifts and plenty of encouragement to believe in my ability to be independent and more self-sufficient. They also reminded me of the “wealth and resources” I have in terms of family and friends and, it felt like, a further nudging me down the road towards relocation to a city where I have some family.
So I don’t know what the future holds for my love and me as a couple. I see her roots, in the town she has moved to, growing deeper and I am, for now, still married, though I have the divorce paperwork in my possession, along with, so far, no resistance from my “husband”. And though my plan is to move to a place that will be closer to her(as in a very long day’s drive as opposed to a long day’s plane trip) and to the same town as several of my family members, that is where I and my daughter will be staying while she attends high school. We will not be moving any closer to her for those four years. My hope is that with the dissolution of my marriage and my relocation that she and I will have more opportunities to be together and that out of that increased togetherness our relationship will only grow closer and stronger.
But I also have my work cut out for me in terms of growing my self-confidence and belief in myself, growth I believe will happen naturally, in part. as I get employed at a job that will help sustain me while I complete a training program for a new career(same one described in earlier posts just completed at a different institution and state) and take care of my daughter, getting her settled in a new home(owned but not lived in full-time by my sister) and a new school. Before that even there is a divorce to work through, a house to be readied for sale, put on the market(already spoken with a realtor and have an appointment for her to visit) and SOLD…etc. etc. Aargh!!! One of the first cards that fell out of the deck this evening was the 10 of wands, a card whose description stated, in part, that it was the card of “responsibility” bearing the message of “hard work and perseverance” and stating that i “may have over-committed” myself “or feel you(I am) are carrying the sole weight of an overwhelming situation”. But that’s what lists and putting one foot in front of the other are for.
So, despite my wish that we were together NOW, it seems that it’s not yet time for that. It seems that we each have blossoming and growing to do and lessons to learn as individuals on our respective life journeys…Whether these journeys will end up bringing us together in the same geographical location and in a partnered relationship remains to be seen; because we all know how unpredictable Life oft times is….what happens while we’re making plans, don’t ya know. One thing I have no doubts about is that I love her very much and ultimately does not really loving someone mean that you want them to find happiness and fulfillment in life, whatever form that ends up taking?
Oh yes, and there was one last message I received. A long time ago, back in my earlier incarnation as a lesbian, there was a woman’s bookstore that I used to frequent. At this store they had a dish that contained a deck of tiny “Angel” cards. Each card had one word written on it…words designed to encourage and inspire the person who pulled the card. Some of the messages on the cards were “purpose” “humour”, “creativity”, “openness”, etc. I always loved going into that store and finding out what message the “Angels” had for me by pulling a card. Well a while back I ran across a deck of those same “Angel” cards at a rummage sale at my church. The price was right so I bought them. Last nite(I’m finishing the post I started on Friday this morning, Saturday) after reading all of those involved messages from the other cards, I pulled one of the Angel cards…stuck my hand in the little basket i keep them in, picked up a bunch and let all but one drop away. The word on the card that remained clasped by my fingers? “TRUST”…
A while back I wrote a post in which I forecast that 2013 was going to be a year of some significant change in my life. I am determined to make that so. Some of the specific changes I want to bring about are:
1)getting some kind of fuller time employment. will not, yet, be in the field for which I’m going to school, just something to make some money and increase from zero my currently non-existant confidence level in my ability to be financially independant
2)liberating myself from my marriage and making myself available for a partnered relationship
3) cultivating the ability to forgive myself for past mistakes and ongoing ways that I keep myself immobilized, paralyzed, stuck in a rut…..(how many different ways are there to say that?)
I’ve decided that I need a change in scenery and fresh start in a place that is still beautiful, though more often sunny than where I currently reside in the northwest. This place I’d like to relocate to has some family members and a place to live for myself and my daughter, until I could get back on my feet. It has, according to what appears on their website, as a good neighborhood highschool that would be a good fit for my daughter, particularly because contained within it is an arts academy. The thing about this move, however, is the fact that my daughter will start highschool next fall and if I’m going to move the two of us it would need to happen over the summer so she could start and finish highschool in the same school. Getting her buy in with moving at all will be a challenge but I won’t even consider moving her after she starts highschool, unless I had no choice. Which is why I want to do it this summer and which is why the whole prospect of making this move, while appealing in many ways, also gets my gut churning with fear at the prospect of proposing this to my husband.
We had a very cursory discussion this past Sunday, at which time I broached the subject of ending our marriage. I did not say divorce, but I think he got the jist of what I was getting at. But because of a couple of things he’s waiting to find out about: a job that he’s had two interviews for and is waiting to hear whether they will offer it to him or not and a refinance of our home loan we have in the works(a way to bring the monthly payment down and make it more affordable) he wanted to wait until the end of the month to go into more depth with the conversation.
There is good and bad in that for me. The bad is that it gives me more time to anticipate and worry about how I will navigate through the whole exchange but the good is that it gives me more time to get my ducks in a row as to why this relocation I am going to propose is a good thing for my daughter. If he doesn’t get this job he’s waiting to hear about that could end up working in my favor because I could suggest that possibly he might want a fresh start for himself in this new place too. He and I would live separately of course, and possibly even be already divorced by that time. But I know this is a place that he wouldn’t mind living In fact he even applied for a job at one point over the past several years in this city. The other thing about this place that makes it a potentially great fit is that they have a program of study very similar to the one I’ve been participating in here but in the venue of a training center. So the goal with this place is to get people trained and getting clinical experience quickly…thus making a person job ready more quickly. So that’s another plus in the relocation column. Lastly living there my SO and I would be in a days drive of one another which would make getting together and having fun much more doable.
So I’ve got my work cut out for me…to say the least, and I’m not in the best place emotionally. My self-confidence is at an all time low….I did get out and apply for some jobs yesterday, thanks, in no small part, to the urgings of my SO. So that’s a start. And I know that the more I do it the more practiced I’ll get and the better I’ll get at selling myself. Plus, once I’ve got a more full-time job I’ll be interacting with more people on a daily basis, than is typically the case for me now, which will be a very good thing and I’ll begin to grow in my level of confidence in my capabilities as a provider for myself…and my daughter.
Any of you readers out there have any words of wisdom to offer up, especially around getting oneself dug out of self-defeating and limiting beliefs…and around analysis paralysis? Or any other pearls?
Alrighty then….that’s a wrap!! 🙂