Getting from here to therePosted: March 9, 2013
A while back I wrote a post in which I forecast that 2013 was going to be a year of some significant change in my life. I am determined to make that so. Some of the specific changes I want to bring about are:
1)getting some kind of fuller time employment. will not, yet, be in the field for which I’m going to school, just something to make some money and increase from zero my currently non-existant confidence level in my ability to be financially independant
2)liberating myself from my marriage and making myself available for a partnered relationship
3) cultivating the ability to forgive myself for past mistakes and ongoing ways that I keep myself immobilized, paralyzed, stuck in a rut…..(how many different ways are there to say that?)
I’ve decided that I need a change in scenery and fresh start in a place that is still beautiful, though more often sunny than where I currently reside in the northwest. This place I’d like to relocate to has some family members and a place to live for myself and my daughter, until I could get back on my feet. It has, according to what appears on their website, as a good neighborhood highschool that would be a good fit for my daughter, particularly because contained within it is an arts academy. The thing about this move, however, is the fact that my daughter will start highschool next fall and if I’m going to move the two of us it would need to happen over the summer so she could start and finish highschool in the same school. Getting her buy in with moving at all will be a challenge but I won’t even consider moving her after she starts highschool, unless I had no choice. Which is why I want to do it this summer and which is why the whole prospect of making this move, while appealing in many ways, also gets my gut churning with fear at the prospect of proposing this to my husband.
We had a very cursory discussion this past Sunday, at which time I broached the subject of ending our marriage. I did not say divorce, but I think he got the jist of what I was getting at. But because of a couple of things he’s waiting to find out about: a job that he’s had two interviews for and is waiting to hear whether they will offer it to him or not and a refinance of our home loan we have in the works(a way to bring the monthly payment down and make it more affordable) he wanted to wait until the end of the month to go into more depth with the conversation.
There is good and bad in that for me. The bad is that it gives me more time to anticipate and worry about how I will navigate through the whole exchange but the good is that it gives me more time to get my ducks in a row as to why this relocation I am going to propose is a good thing for my daughter. If he doesn’t get this job he’s waiting to hear about that could end up working in my favor because I could suggest that possibly he might want a fresh start for himself in this new place too. He and I would live separately of course, and possibly even be already divorced by that time. But I know this is a place that he wouldn’t mind living In fact he even applied for a job at one point over the past several years in this city. The other thing about this place that makes it a potentially great fit is that they have a program of study very similar to the one I’ve been participating in here but in the venue of a training center. So the goal with this place is to get people trained and getting clinical experience quickly…thus making a person job ready more quickly. So that’s another plus in the relocation column. Lastly living there my SO and I would be in a days drive of one another which would make getting together and having fun much more doable.
So I’ve got my work cut out for me…to say the least, and I’m not in the best place emotionally. My self-confidence is at an all time low….I did get out and apply for some jobs yesterday, thanks, in no small part, to the urgings of my SO. So that’s a start. And I know that the more I do it the more practiced I’ll get and the better I’ll get at selling myself. Plus, once I’ve got a more full-time job I’ll be interacting with more people on a daily basis, than is typically the case for me now, which will be a very good thing and I’ll begin to grow in my level of confidence in my capabilities as a provider for myself…and my daughter.
Any of you readers out there have any words of wisdom to offer up, especially around getting oneself dug out of self-defeating and limiting beliefs…and around analysis paralysis? Or any other pearls?
Alrighty then….that’s a wrap!! 🙂