It’s been a week…..

So my, far too far away, long distance love has had one hell of a week, and I do believe that is putting it mildly.  A week ago earlier tonite(for it is still Friday where I am) my beloved learned that a very, very, very dear friend, a woman who has been like a sister(in that close, on the same page, kindred spirits, kind of way) for 20 years, had died very unexpectedly.  Out of respect for her privacy and that of her friend and her friend’s family, I will not go into detail.  Suffice it to say that this loss has broken my love’s heart and the hearts of many who knew and loved their friend, sister, aunt, daughter…  It has now only been a week since her passing, though for my love and the many others who loved(and still love) their friend dearly, it must feel like a lifetime has passed from last Friday to this…as indeed it has.

For my part I’ve been going through my own changes, ones I’ve yet to share in my blog….though a previous post foreshadowed big changes in the year 2013….(I’ll provide an update on them in another post.) So, I’m going through my own life challenges, which really pale when seen in the light of another’s precious life gone from this world; but they are what makes up my life these days, as is also my caring and concern for my S.O as she travels through this very difficult time.  I offered to find a way to come and be with her, but she told me that it wasn’t necessary…So I stayed here and have done my best to support her emotionally from across the country, through phone calls, voicemails, text messages, a cyber sympathy card…etc., while slogging through my own personal stuff.  I’ve felt , very, very sad for her loss and for my loss of the opportunity to ever get to know her friend.  I’ve felt concerned to the point of being quite worried about my beloved; helpless and frustrated.

So here I am and there she is….not together in the same region of the country, let alone the same state, city or residence. (and me still “married”, but not for much longer)  From where I sit her week (and life, more and more as of late) has been, along with the grief at her huge loss, about connecting with people, about realizing the wealth of connections she has.  Then, just this morning and again tonite, a week to the day that her friend died, she received even further important reassurance, from a most unexpected source…Again I will not go into detail…but out of the pain and heartache there looks to be some very wonderful beginnings of new, and a strengthening and deepening of already existing, connections for her.

I, on the other hand, have received my own messages regarding what some of my current life lessons are….They are, in some ways and these are the ones I will focus on here, very different from hers.  I’ve been “married” for going on 15 years and during that time have given a whole hell of a lot of power away to my “husband”.  I’ve become dependent on this family unit, as dysfunctional and unsatisfying as it is, at least in terms of  the relationship with my (getting closer to being ex) husband…dependent to the point of  having little to no confidence in my ability to support myself financially, let alone my daughter.  Tonite though, I got a message of my own….though it came in a form quite different from S. O.’s…it is one that demands I pay attention.

My message came from my intuition…via my Tarot cards.  I have a beautiful deck that I use and a great book called “A Magical Course in Tarot”.  The author doesn’t believe in reverse cards and her descriptions of each of the cards in the deck are so positive and encouraging…two things I cannot get too much of.  The way I use them is to shuffle, shuffle shuffle and see what cards, despite my best efforts at graceful shuffling, fall gracelessly from my hands.  These are the cards I look at and get my guidance and/or clarification from.  It was absolutely uncanny the cards that fell from my hand tonite.  I do not have the patience to go over each of them but I will say that the cards that wanted to be read contained both much needed admonishments as to how I was, in the very moments immediately preceding my getting the deck out, tying myself up in mental knots which could end up in me unwittingly sabotaging myself.  Less difficult to hear were the reminders to look at and recognize my strengths and gifts and plenty of encouragement to believe in my ability to be independent and more self-sufficient.  They also reminded me of the “wealth and resources” I have in terms of family and friends and, it felt like, a further nudging me down the road towards relocation to a city where I have some family.

So I don’t know what the future holds for my love and me as a couple.  I see her roots, in the town she has moved to, growing deeper and I am, for now, still married, though I have the divorce paperwork in my possession, along with, so far, no resistance from my “husband”.  And though my plan is to move to a place that will be closer to her(as in a very long day’s drive as opposed to a long day’s plane trip) and to the same town as several of my family members, that is where I and my daughter will be staying while she attends high school.  We will not be moving any closer to her for those four years.  My hope is that with the dissolution of my marriage and my relocation that she and I will have more opportunities to be together and that out of that increased togetherness our relationship will only grow closer and stronger.

But I also have my work cut out for me in terms of growing my self-confidence  and belief in myself, growth I believe will happen naturally, in part. as I get employed at a job that will help sustain me while I complete a training program for a new career(same one described in earlier posts just completed at a different institution and state) and take care of my daughter, getting her settled in a new home(owned but not lived in full-time by my sister) and a new school.  Before that even there is a divorce to work through, a house to be readied for sale, put on the market(already spoken with a realtor and have an appointment for her to visit) and SOLD…etc. etc. Aargh!!!  One of the first cards that fell out of the deck this evening was the 10 of wands, a card whose description stated, in part, that it was the card of “responsibility” bearing the message of “hard work and perseverance” and stating that i  “may have over-committed” myself “or feel you(I am) are carrying the sole weight of an overwhelming situation”.  But that’s what lists and putting one foot in front of the other are for.

So, despite my wish that we were together NOW, it seems that it’s not yet time for that.  It seems that we each have blossoming and growing to do and lessons to learn as individuals on our respective life journeys…Whether these journeys will end up bringing us together in the same geographical location and in a partnered relationship remains to be seen; because we all know how unpredictable Life oft times is….what happens while we’re making plans, don’t ya know. One thing I have no doubts about is that I love her very much and ultimately does not really loving someone mean that you want them to find happiness and fulfillment in life, whatever form that ends up taking?

Oh yes, and there was one last message I received.  A long time ago, back in my earlier incarnation as a lesbian, there was a woman’s bookstore that I used to frequent.  At this store they had a dish that contained a deck of tiny “Angel” cards.  Each card had one word written on it…words designed to encourage and inspire the person who pulled the card.  Some of the messages on the cards were “purpose” “humour”, “creativity”, “openness”, etc.  I always loved going into that store and finding out what message the “Angels” had for me by pulling a card.  Well a while back I ran across a deck of those same “Angel” cards at a rummage sale at my church.  The price was right so I bought them.  Last nite(I’m finishing the post I started on Friday this morning, Saturday) after reading all of those involved messages from the other cards, I pulled one of the Angel cards…stuck my hand in the little basket i keep them in, picked up a bunch and let all but one drop away.  The word on the card that remained clasped by my fingers?  “TRUST”…

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4 Comments on “It’s been a week…..”

  1. sapphospeaks says:

    I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved’s friend. That is tough to bear and tough, too, when you can’t be there physically to comfort her. I am thrilled though about the upbeat tone and the beginnings of strength I get from your post. It is so much different than the posts you started with. To be a day’s drive away will be awesome, even if it is a long drive. And, it is so important to rebuild yourself before getting into a relationship. That is the one reason I am thankful for the distance between S and I. You still have quite a journey ahead of you, but I sense hope in you and that makes me smile. That will get you through it the way it got me through it.

    • Thanks Sappho…your perspective means a lot to me. Yes I am definitely in need of some rebuilding…That comment, in particular, hits home in a big way….Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts….:)

  2. t.dot says:

    I don’t have adequate words at the moment, but my heart heard yours and I am answering. You are such a special soul and I’m grateful to know be connected to you. Be well my friend and stay strong 🙂

  3. t.dot says:

    oops…know and be connected…tired fingers xo


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