I wrote and published a post back in August but published it privately, until tonight,(check the August posts if you’d like to read it) as I wasn’t quite ready for whatever consequences might result, depending, I guess, on whom might stumble upon my blog. But things are changing both inside of me and externally ….Some things are accelerating, like the crumbling of the last bits of patience I’ve had with my circumstances….Other things, like my education, are marching along but only as quickly as the college calendar allows…Besides my course load is twice as heavy this quarter as last and so between my responsibilities as a student and those I have as a parent I don’t think I could manage my schooling going any faster.
Still, more and more, I’m feeling the need for a long overdue change in this situation with my “spouse”(on paper), the father of my child. It’s time for my daughter( and her mother) to see her mother(herself) standing up for, taking care of, being for…. herself. I no longer have the patience to wait for his job situation and our financial circumstances to improve. So I’m revving myself up for a conversation with him. The “divorce” word got yelled out during an argument last week, by me, but I’ve yet to return to the subject, this time, under calmer circumstances.
My truly significant, though long distance, other, who knows all about my circumstances and whose patience is doubtless wearing thinner even faster than my own, but who continues to be emotionally supportive and encouraging, shared an observation with me today as I was attempting to pump myself up for this talk. She observed that there’s this shift that needs to happen inside of me….one that may be starting, but is moving seemingly slowly as yet. As she sees it(and I can definitely see it too) this shift will be from a place inside where I still care and worry over what my “spouse” will think and how he might react to me stating that it’s time to talk separation and divorce, to a liberated place inside of me where I no longer give a crap what he thinks or how he reacts.
Yes indeed! I have a friend, whom oft times when I mention feeling “trapped” in my situation, reminds me of how I should be grateful for not being in this thing by myself….which maybe I should, but I realized tonite that that whole line of thought is beside the point. Tonite I realized that the “trap” I find myself in is inside my own mind and heart not outside in the marriage. Because as my LDSO pointed out, once that shift happens or I make the shift, I won’t be trapped anymore. She didn’t actually use the word “trapped”…that’s my term, but same diff…Not caring what he thinks or says or throws at me(emotionally speaking) will mean I’m no longer trapped in his idea of how things are supposed to proceed for our family. I was counseled earlier this week by a much younger woman, who was at one time in worse circumstances than am I, because I suspect that they were physically abusive circumstances, that if I can stick it out with the marriage until I get my schooling, rather than add some minimum wage job on top of my school and parenting responsibilities, that it would probably be better. But, as I realized tonite, she was in her early thirties four years ago when she left her situation and I am early fifties now. She had/has time and youth on her side just a bit more than I do…
As I stated earlier I don’t have the patience or the energy or the time to waste on continuing to slog through this thing, at the very least without the benefit of a conversation that states for all of us, under this roof, what things are and what they are not. Time to stop worrying about and trying to take care of everyone else’s feelings and start taking care of me and mine. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not forgetting my daughter in all of this. But as I stated above…it’s time for her to see her mother standing up for, liberating and taking care of, herself…..That is something I never got the chance to see my mother do as she stayed loyal to her cheating husband(my father) and then by the time he left, was too sick and, in fact, dying, to have a second chance at her life.
It’s time to open the door and let myself out of my cage…So if, after this very long post, you are still tuned in..stay that way because there will be more to come. 😉
Saw this song posted on a friend’s facebook page….goes perfect with this post….
Thursday September 27, 2012I am grateful for:
Fog, ferns, finches, fragile and delicate spider webs woven between two tall stalks of wheat-type grass…
Flora and fauna, Fall(the season) fall(ing in love)
Freakishly furry felines; furry, friendly pups and their friendly people;
Friendliness, friends, friendship
The letter “F”…letters in general, Language!
Love…of family, of friends, for/of my lover; of life in general;
Legs that work and work wonderfully well and get me up and out and walking through the fog then through, later, the lifting fog and the beautiful, blue sky behind and beneath it;
Frog-song, bird-song, songs, songs made up of sounds, simple songs, sophisticated ones, symphonies…
Soup, silliness, sleep in a warm, comfy, cozy bed and that surge of something that gets me up out of that bed and sends me out the door and on that walk…through the fog…